Posted by Dr. Wilbert R. Mutoko and Apostle Phillis Mutoko
All articles | Marriage | Relationships | Communication | Love | Sex | Dating |
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Family is the first institution that God created. Family is so important to God and to the community. Why are many relationships and marriages collapsing? Some marriages collapse after 30 years. You need to follow the principles of marriage and family.
Hebrews 13:4
“Marriage is honorable in all”
Effective Communication is one of the main components of success in any relationship.
4 Elements of communication
Sender – message – receiver – feedback
Ephesians 4:2
“with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,”
Now let us go into the 21 keys to effective communication that leads to happy marriages/relationships:
- Communicate with God first and always. Matthew 6:33, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”
- Honor each other. Avoid taking each other for granted. Show that you care about the partner.
- Tell the truth and be open in your conversations – John 8:32
- Specific Message (words) – avoid generalizations e.g. all women are like this, men are dogs, you always do this. Be specific
- A suitable channel of communication. Which communication method works best for your partner and for yourself?
- Quality time together – what is quality time to your partner? How often do you give each other quality time? Switch off electronic gadgets.
- Positive words and feedback –
Proverbs 25:11
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver”;
Words such as divorce, break-up, I will go, you will leave this place, etc are dangerous. Thank you. Praise your partner.
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- Do not attack the person but address issues. Attacking the person includes mentioning their height, skin color, weight, etc. When you mention things that your partner can not change is terrible. You can speak about, ‘Sweetie, I do not appreciate the way you joke about my accent’ rather than, ‘You are a racist. You are a …’
LEADERSHIP COACHING WITH DR WILBERT MUTOKO
9. Time of communication – avoid settling quarrels at night. The night is for resting so you have a good sleep and a good day tomorrow.
10. Think and talk as a team. Use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when you succeed. Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when there is a challenge. Don’t cause your partner to be on a defensive.
11. The tone of communication – never shout unless the house on fire. Never be angry at the same time.
James 1:19
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;”
- Consistent messaging and good words
- Active listening – James 1:19
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;”
- Avoid assumptions – rather than assuming what the other person thinks or says, better clarify
- Keep quiet where necessary
- Be careful of 3rd parties, unless you are being coached, or being counseled. Be careful of what people online say to your relationship or marriage.
- Once in a while, ask your partner, ‘Am I a good partner? What could I improve on?’
- Understand and appreciate each other’s difference –
1 Peter 3:7
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
- Patience – Love is patient
1 Corinthians 13:1–
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
- Be kind to each other. Don’t be harsh. – 1 Corinthians 13:1;
Colossians 3:19
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
- Use nice nicknames e.g. Honey, Sweetie, Babe, my King, My Queen, my chocolate, and darling. Avoid calling each other by names such as Mother of so and so, granny, grandpa, father of so and so. Go back to the time when you had sweet nicknames to refresh your love daily.
- Read body language – Study your partner’s body language. Learn what someone is not saying.
